a mixed salad life.........



i love a green mixed salad. this one is almost finished. i will now add a sliced apple, some feta cheese and if it is a beginning of the month salad, a few olives. variety. the spice of life. i wonder who said that. let me quickly google it.......who knows. it is just an idiom. i used to live by it. now i am not so sure. i still get bored quickly, but i am starting to love routine. a set schedule. everything on time. i have never been neat, so i can't say everything in it's place, that is just not true for me. but the time schedule thing. i get very frayed if things are not on time, done on schedule, when people are late, parcels don't arrive, people don't advise when they are going to be late etc etc. anyway, i am getting sidetracked. i want to ramble about how selfish i am and how i am so busy with my own life, that i don't take the time to get to KNOW, really KNOW, other people. it was very, very quiet at the shop today ( thank goodness). we had a few clients. mostly regulars. and i had the opportunity to actually TALK to two ladies. as in sit down or stand still, take the time, ask the questions, and LISTEN to their life stories. and i was amazed. the one lady also has a blog, she just writes. my goodness. i came home and spent 3 hours just reading her blog. i cried and laughed, but mostly i was in awe. what an amazing person that has been coming into my shop now for months and i only truly got to know her today. why? because i did not just concentrate on the shop. or when i got home start to scrap something or place an order. maybe because i was mean to 2 people i should not have been mean to on my way home. i have no defence except that it has been a CHALLENGING last 3 days and i have been keeping it all in and i have been staying NICE and the person i wanted to be mean with is not here and i am so upset i just want to yell and also throw something. but, my mother raised me well - use your tongue to inflict pain, we don't break things and throw things around. i disappoint myself so greatly when i get mean, that i want to crawl into a hole and stay there. unfortunately that is not an option. and i have repented and ask for forgiveness from the people i was mean to, but it does not mean to say that i am now a happy chappy. i started watching the Gospel of John on DVD, and i stopped where Jesus tells the pharisees that the one without sin can cast the first stone at the adulteress. and they all walk away - " the eldest first". strange how, when you first read the gospels, you read the mainline. second, third times you get to know the stories better, and only then do you pick up on the detail. i am thinking that i need a break. i have not been on a real holiday in two years. i was going to go on holiday in December last year, then marius had his neck operation, which meant we could not go away, and i had to nurse him for 2 weeks and then i had to work. then the year started and i bought the shop and apart from a day here and there, it has been non-stop. i am not complaining, i am just trying to get things into perspective. i just feel a little off balance. i have not had anyone that i really SHARE with, and i used to be able to do that with my mom. when you talk and talk about something until it is talked OUT and you have really looked at it from every angle........... marius is not a talker. i have not missed my mom and dad for many years, but i do tonight. i also miss my familty who have been scattered. i miss my own family i never had because of poor life choices. and no, it is not a pity party. it is just the honest ramblings of a human being who is having a moment.............i do know the proverbial sun will shine as soon i choose it to, and literally tomorrow, somewhere, even if it is (hopefully) going to rain here. we do need it!! i also know that i am the King's child and that my sins are forgiven and that i am ok. i just needed to stand back a bit. i might ramble again tomorrow, but for now i am going to bed.....................

Comments

Esther said…
Ons almal leef sonder dat die volgende ou weet wat met jou aangaan. En ons almal verlang na iemand om als te vertel en dan blog ons dit. Dalk moet ons elk die inisiatief neem om meer na die "loner" te luister, te luister na dit wat hy nie sê nie. Dankie vd lees + mail. Mens kan nie altyd als vir almal wees nie - dis uitputtend! Maar - laat die Gees jou lei wanneer vir wie ;-) xx
Debbie Harris said…
Lots of love and hugs to you Cariena xxxx
chilli pip said…
hi Cariena , we are all entitled to a little self indulgence every now and then , it is not selfish at all but a way of throwing things around in your head and then letting everything fall into place ... and you pick yourself up again and realise that life is good .
Poor life choices in the past can not be undone and must be remembered for what they are mistakes you have made that you must forgive yourself for.
You are a warm ,sharing person and people feel that .
You just need to realise your own worth.
Anonymous said…
Cariena, I love you dear friend, and I am praying for you. Rea
Sharon said…
Love your mixed salad Cariena and wishing you all the best. Blessings, Sharon