Below teaching is NOT an exhaustive study on this topic.
Biblical Love:
When does Biblical Love Overlook or confront a sin in another person’s life?
To overlook an offense/sin means not to focus on the wrongs done against oneself, refusing to retaliate or seek revenge, and letting affronts go. It is an act of forgiveness and wisdom. One meaningful way to show love to fellow believers is by choosing to not constantly confront them on the slightest offenses and infractions, for example a harsh word spoken, a child’s room not being tidy or not being invited to a social gathering.
The book of Proverbs highlights this concept in Proverbs 19:11, stating, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense”.
1 Peter 4:8 states that “Love covers a multitude of sins.
Some offenses, though, must be confronted.
Here are some steps to consider when deciding whether to confront or overlook an offense:
1. Examine Yourself:
Before taking any action, examine your own motives. Are you seeking revenge or do you want a restored relationship with this person? Reflect on your own sin and motives, ensuring you are driven by a love for God and a love for this person’s relationship with God.
2. Evaluate Rightness:
Determine if you have truly been sinned against. Search for Scriptural principles to discern if there is a clear violation. If it’s a grey area, it may be best to let the matter go. Seek Godly counsel if you are unsure of how to handle the situation.
What does it mean to confront an offense or sin biblically?
It is when the offended goes to the offender and explains how the offender sinned against the offended. The purpose of this confrontation is to restore, not to attack or condemn.
Galations 6:1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Luke 17:3 If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.
The goal is always restoration and reconciliation. The objective is to bring the sinning brother or sister back into the fellowship with his Lord and with others in the body of Christ.
When it becomes clear that someone is no longer simply “offending” in a slight manner, but the offenses are increasing in intensity and causing damage, it might become necessary to confront the offender.
The Bible is VERY clear about how to do this. We call it the Matthew 18:15-17 process. Let’s read it in Scripture.
1. Search your own heart.
2. Take the plank out of your own eye. Matt 7:3-5
3. Bring it before the Lord first and ask Him to change the offender’s ways/heart. Truly pray and fast about this for a reasonable time.
4. If that does not yield results, approach the person one on one.
5. Make sure you do this with a Biblical mandate, not your own agenda. Make sure you do this in the same manner you would like to be approached – Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
6. If there is no change, after a reasonable period, tell someone trustworthy and ask them to go with you.
7. If then, there is still no change, ask the Elders for help and if necessary, treat that person like an unbeliever, by distancing yourself from him/her until there is repentance and reconciliation.
At this stage of the lesson, I would like to mention that even when you follow all the above steps, there might not be reconciliation, restoration, and repentance immediately, or ever.
Let’s read 4 Scriptures to encourage our hearts in these instances, where there might not be reconciliation, restoration, and repentance immediately, or ever.
Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.
Proverbs 16:33
The lot is cast into the lap,
but its every decision is from the Lord. The LORD is sovereign and HE IS STILL God – we are not!
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
1 Samuel 15:22 & 23a
This Scripture truly rebuked me many years ago and I turn to it often when I feel my emotions and my own “will” start enslaving me.
“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices.
as much as in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
For rebellion is like the sin of divination/witchcraft,
and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.”
David tried over and over to reconcile with Saul, but that relationship was never restored. Not because David did not try, but because Saul’s heart was hardened.
I want to use two real life examples here that involves overlooking and confronting sin.
A while back, I started noticing a change in the behaviour of a fellow believer that I had known for many years and looked up to. Many other people also looked up to this believer. However, I noticed that the person’s behaviour was becoming unloving, harsh, and mean in general.
Most fellow believers, who had known this person for years, overlooked this behaviour and attributed it to “it is just the way X is”.
The bad behaviour was not directed at me, so I was not personally offended.
After a specific incidence where I was present, I made the decision to confront the person. I was not 100% sure if I was correct in doing so, so I asked a fellow believer for her advice. She gave me excellent council. She told me to go ahead with the confrontation, but to present it to the person through 1 Corinthians 13. Thanks be to the Lord, there was time to prepare before the meeting, and I had written out the relevant portions of the Scripture and asked the person in relation to those verses, how the person saw their own behaviour, through the lens of Scripture. Because this person truly does love the Lord, there was conviction of sin and restoration could take place. The person asked for forgiveness where needed and restored the damage. There is an element of personality involved sometime, but our Lord Jesus died to make us NEW – and everything about us that is not God-honouring, must be conformed to the image of Christ. So, sometimes it is necessary for me to nudge and remind my fellow believer to be mindful, but it has become easier for both of us to speak truth in love to one another!
My second real life example involves a very good and dear friend.
This friend of mine has 4 siblings. She is the black sheep of the family. Although she is in her 60’s, her siblings still treat her like she knows nothing, speak down to her and belittle her.
She would now and again tell me how this hurt her. But, because she is not a confrontational person at all, (she has a servants’ heart and always just allows them to bully her), it got to a point where her peace was destroyed. She literally feared the next message on their family group and her health was deteriorating because of this.
She loves the Lord.
At first, I encouraged her to simply overlook the siblings’ offenses, they were not close in proximity, and she did not have to respond.
So, she overlooked the offenses for a very long time. We would consider their situations, try to find reasons for their messages etc.
That did not have any effect. On the contrary.
At one point, I helped her to write a message to them, pointing out with specifics how they had truly wronged her, and suggested to her that she left the family group.
She sent the message, told them that if they continued with their offenses, she would leave the WhatsApp Family Group. The offenses continued and she and left the group.
It was the first time in her life that she had stood up against her offenders, in a Biblical manner.
Yes, they are her siblings.
Yes, they claim to also be Christians.
No, they did not think that kindness and gentleness extended to their sister and although their offenses were “overlooked”, they needed confrontation.
It took some time, but, now after about 8 weeks, the relationships are slowly mending.
Have they asked for forgiveness?
No.
Has she forgiven them?
YES – and here is a crucial Biblical principal:
We are called to forgive those who trespass against us, EVEN IF they do not repent or change their behaviour. Matthew 6:14 & 15 read twice
When Christ was on the Cross, WHILE HE was being reviled and tortured, He cried out to His Father, to FORGIVE the ones who were crucifying Him.
So, we are called to forgive even those whose offenses turn into major Sins, not because they deserve it, but because we stand forgiven!
Be comforted that God judges! God will not overlook sins if there is no repentance! The Lord made it very clear in Romans 12:17 that vengeance belongs to Him.
So, what will happen if we decide not to overlook an offense or sin and if we don’t confront a specific sin?
It will plunge the offended (us!) into grievous sin, of which the following are but a few examples:
1. Bitterness
2. Anger
3. Resentment
4. Hardness of heart towards the person and God
5. Gossip (by repeating details of the offense to others). Here I want to point out that if we don’t have the courage to address the sin against us according to Matthew 18, we must then accept the consequences. And even if we do address the sin and there is no repentance, we are still called to obedience to the Lord above all.
I would like to linger on the first consequence, bitterness, for just a short time:
Hebrews 12:15 commands the following:
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
If we go around telling others how we were offended, even in a “joke” out of context, or without considering EACH word, we are causing trouble and we are defiling others.
Other people might not have any issue with the person who offended you or could not care less about a parking space that “was theirs” etc. But now YOU come and tarnish the reputation of another person, created in the image of GOD, (James 3:9-10) complaining about them, (even if it is valid!) and you are watering that little seed that will germinate and take root – and once it has taken root, the next “shoot” of that plant called bitterness grows with ease, until you hardly recognise yourself!
Here, I speak from experience.
I could (and still can) point out an offense (be it valid or not) in such a subtle way to anyone with ears, until others truly feel as if they were the ones offended on my behalf! What a horrible way to be!
In 2021 the Lord, in His kindness and Mercy, pointed this out to me through Scripture and my heart was convicted of the fact that bitterness is one of the most horrific, yet nurtured sins among Christian women (and perhaps even men!) that is not addressed by believers in their fellowship with one another, because we believe the lies of the devil that we must “live and let live” “leave it to God” and “It has nothing to do with me”.
See to it that NO ONE falls short of the Grace of God!
It is a command to action, not a passive instruction!
In Colossions 3:16 & 17 We are called to Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.
In summary:
We live in a sinful world and as Christians, unfortunately, we do sin against one another. God expects of us to love one another. This love is expressed by sometimes overlooking sins and other times confronting sins.
When someone sins against you, ask yourself if your love can overlook this offense and your relationship can continue as before.
If your answer is NO, then you need to confront that brother or sister so that reconciliation and restoration can take place.
God’s heart is expressed in Psalm 133.
Let’s pray and ask the Lord to give us discerning hearts and wisdom to know when to cover sins with love and when to confront sin in love.
Scripture References used for the Teaching:
Ø Acts 17:30
Ø Romans 3:25
Ø Proverbs 19:11
Ø 1 Cor 13:5
Ø Proverbs 10:12
Ø 2 Samuel 16:5-14 (David & Shimei)
Ø Matthew 5:39
Ø 1 Peter 4:8
Ø James 5:20
Ø Proverbs 10:12
Ø 1 Corinthians 5:11
Ø 1 Thessalonians 5:14
Ø Ephesians 5:11
Ø Galatians 6:1
Ø James 5:19
Ø Matthew 18:15-17
Ø Ephesians 4:15
Ø Isaiah 59:2; Jeremiah 5:25 Sin separates us from God.
Ø Romans 15:14
Ø Matthew 5:30
Ø 2 Samuel 12:1–14 N
Ø 2 Timothy 2:24 & 25
Ø Proverbs23:13
Ø Proverbs 9:7-8
Ø Luke 17:13
Ø Proverbs 27:5
Ø Nehemia Chapter 13
Ø Leviticus 19:17
Ø 1 Corinthians 10:12
Ø Galatians 6:3-4
Ø James 3:17
Ø James 2:13
Ø Proverbs 17:9
Ø Ephesians 4:32
Other resources:
Keeping your Balance – Pam Hardy Chapter 4 Patience and Confrontation
https://evidenceforchristianity.org/what-are-the-origins-of-the-word-sinr/
https://www.dbcme.org/nehemiah-13-when-rebuking-and-correcting-equal-love/
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